You are still a Parent…
“You are still a parent… Even when your child(ren) are not with you in the visitation schedule. Dropping your children off to spend time with their other parent, doesn’t mean you walk away from your parental responsibilities during that time.” - Chantelle
I feel so strongly about this statement. I see this so often in conversations I have with other divorced parents or in coaching sessions. When someone says, "The kids are with you this week, so this is YOUR problem!"…Wait …what?
This sentence doesn't sit well with me, nor should it with you.
Whether your children are with you or not, YOU are STILL A PARENT.
Yes, there is a visitation schedule that has been court ordered and you have responsibilities in that week towards your children. However, the reality is that you don’t have “time off” from being a parent when you are in a divorced family dynamic. If your kids need you, they need you, irrespective of whose “week on” it is. Routine for children is so important to get them used to life across two homes. Hell, we are trying to put life back together after divorce as the adults, imagine what it must feel like for children who have two homes and need to back and forth between two spaces every week?! Visitation schedules help give our children and ourselves structure and routine to create a new normal, but as we know, life happens and occasionally routine needs to change from time to time. Does this mean that as a parent I step away from what my child needs because its NOT “my week on in the visitation schedule?”… Hell no!
Yes, visitation schedules guides expectations BUT…
- Your children STILL HAVE TWO PARENTS.
- Your children still have to be supported by BOTH PARENTS.
If my daughter is with me in the visitation schedule and I have unplanned work commitments as an example, I phone my daughters’ father and we figure out how to manage Mila’s routine. He is still her dad when she is with me, just like I am still her mom when she is with him. We have a responsibility towards her. I am aware that for some co-parents this arrangement doesn’t exist at all and each ex-relationship has its own dynamic.
Is my ex-spouse ALWAYS available to assist if I need extra support? No... he might have work commitments, planned time away or has made other plans during this time and I understand and respect that. For us, and I’ve said this before, my ex-spouse and I have always been very conscious about putting ‘our stuff’ aside and focusing on what our daughter needs…“Mila in the center always!”.
Our agreement, and what we have put in place as a process is to:
1. Make the call if you need support - Mila’s Dad is my first call if I need support with her routine or schedule if life kicks in, just like he calls me.
2. Talk about what your child needs and changes have come up in diaries - Mila’s Dad and I chat through options and what we can do to support Mila in what she needs for that day / week. Changes have come up. What now? What needs to happen or arranged to make sure her routine and needs are met? As an example, if her dad is stuck in a meeting or has a commitment clash and asks if can can fetch Mila from ballet lessons in “his” week. I make arrangements to go pick her up and he fetches her from the house later on in that day. Her routine remains in tact and she still goes back to her daddy that afternoon for her time with him.
3. Solution on what needs to happen to get things done for your child – We explore options to see IF we can support each other to support Mila’s routine for that day / week or IF we need to tap into our partners or tribe for support.
Divorce doesn’t mean you get to walk away from parental responsibilities in your week “OFF”. It means you need to find new ways of parenting to support your children with your ex-partner. It’s about the children. It’s ALWAYS about the children.
Please read that sentence again.
Chantelle x