What the hell just happened?
Have you ever had a conversation with someone where you thought you were as clear as you possibly could be about expectations and next steps. You walked away from the conversation thinking “we are on the same page” and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Fast forward a few weeks to only find the person has does the EXACT OPPOSITE to what was discussed?!
So let’s think about this. What happens in this exact moment…
The first thing we do is look inward and self-blame…”did I mis-understand the conversation?” , “was I not clear enough when we spoke??”, “should I have said things differently?”!?
The second thing we do is over analyse the conversation… We re-play the conversation had over and over again in our heads to try and figure out how things have gone from alignment to what now feels like betrayal and selfish acts.
The third thing we do is revert to, “I know ‘I’m not going crazy”…So, we rush off to check emails, WhatsApp messages…ANYTHING… to validate that you are in fact NOT CRAZY and that what was discussed WAS ACTUALLY DISCUSSED!
The fourth thing that starts to happen is negative emotions starts to rear its ugly head, because you feel like you have been let down. Like the guard rails agreed upon where just words and never taken seriously. This makes you angry all over again!
This, right here, is a pretty accurate summary of the last few weeks of our blended family life.
It’s been such a consuming exercise trying to figure out what has gone wrong, why it went wrong and how we can turn what’s happened around? Where do you even begin because talking doesn’t seem to help?
I found this quote today and it hit me so damn hard - “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge – Dr. Phil”
Friends…reading this quote felt like all the talks, the anger, the sadness, the resentment…EVERYTHING made sense.
You can hold up a mirror!
You can talk until you are blue in the face!
IF, the person on the other end doesn’t realise things need to change or admit that change needs to start with THEM, it’s honestly a conversation that goes around in circles.
It’s draining! It’s stressful and it depletes YOUR energy and the energy of YOUR home.
So, what now?
Where do you even muster the energy to get through this blow to the heart and mind?
My take on this;
Feel what you need to feel and SIT in those emotions.
Keep your bestie & family on speed dial.
Don’t, however linger in a space of negativity… Make time to talk to your partner and remember you guys are in this TOGETHER!
Stay true to YOU and what you KNOW IS RIGHT & WRONG. Don’t stray from your beliefs and what you KNOW AND BELIEVE is RIGHT FOR YOU & YOUR FAMILY.
You cannot control other people’s behaviour. Manage YOUR expectations. You can have the conversation, you can try to align, but if the action is different to spoken words agreed on that’s on THEM…NOT ON YOU! Draw the line in the sand.
Know YOUR TRUTH. Tap into your tribe for support and DO EVERYTHING you can in your control and ability to do WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU & YOUR FAMILY (YES, I repeated that with intention!)
Be there for your partner. Stand tall & strong beside the person you love and let them know they are not alone.
Let your partner be there for YOU. Take the hug with open arms and hold on for a little longer if you need to. Take the moment to talk. ITS OK TO BE VULNERABLE because at the end of the day step-mamma, this effects you too!
Don’t expect a road to blended family life to be easy… ebbs and flows friends, ebbs and flows.
Do, however, expect things to get better with TIME because it always does right? I can only hope that in a few years’ time, looking back over the last few weeks, that I can say with total conviction “this too has passed”.
For now… “this too SHALL pass”