on Learning how to be his stepmom

I’m a believer that when a woman falls pregnant, something shifts in her immediately. Her motherly instinct kicks in and she loves her baby instantly. This is why as woman, we take all the right vitamins, eat all the right food and rub our baby bump for as long as we possibly can before that little baba is born. When you meet that little face for the first time, unconditional love finally makes sense. The next chapter of your life starts. You have this time from birth to get to know your child, their facial expressions and what each laugh, smile and every crying sound means. You grow as a parent with your child, TOGETHER!

This is not, however, the same reality when you fall in love with someone who already has a child. You take on every part of a new partner’s life, and often after a divorce, this would involve meeting your partner’s children and getting to know them, everything about them, in a learning speed that seems to be in overdrive constantly. Whether their child is still an infant or a toddler going through the phase of terrible twos or even a teenager who knows everything about life and then some more, you are meeting them in their own phase of life. The learning starts at that moment.

Last year April, Tristan and his little boy, Jordan, moved in with Mila and I. What a whirlwind of emotions and a steep learning curve for us all. We all needed to get to know each other better, what we like, what we don’t like, what we eat, what we don’t eat and importantly that we all needed to share. Mila and I had to get used to two boys living with us after being on our own for such a long time. Tristan and Jordi had to get used to living with two girls after having ‘golf and boy time’ every two weeks. It was a collision of two worlds, and we needed to figure it out as quickly as we possibly could, to make sure we all found a groove in OUR home as a new family.

Now, I know everything about my daughter. What she likes to eat, what she likes to drink, what medicine works best for her and how to alternate paracetamol and Ibuprofen, for if she has a fever. I know her sleeping routine, what games she likes to play and what music she likes to listen to in the car. I know facial expression for every white lie, all the tickle spots before bed-time to help her fall asleep AND that tight pants where the only clothing option that she would wear for months on end… (thank goodness she now has to wear a school uniform during the week). But then again, all moms know these things about their own children. We know these things because we have been in our children’s lives and grown up with them from the beginning.

Now, I have little boy, Jordan, in my home and I needed to take a crash course on how to be in his life. How to look after him and to love him the way he needs to be loved. Friends… it’s been over a year, and I can only now say with conviction that I’m stepping up as his stepmom and importantly learning the key differences between Mila and Jordan, who are very different children. Jordan loves swimming, puzzles, numbers and problem solving. I’m convinced he is going to be an engineer one day. Mila love art, sports, drawing, singing and dancing. My carefree little girl who is fearless at best. These two are best friends! We don’t have arguments or fights (this box as a (step) mom having to manage sibling rivalry and fights is still very much unchecked). They refer to each other as ‘my brother’ and ‘my sister’ and already look out for each other.

Jordan wants love and cuddles all the time. I had to get used to this little boy running to me (even if I has just left to the shops for no longer than ten minutes) to give me a giant bear hug, or wanting to sit on me, or as close as possible to me, when we would watch tv. I had to get used to sharing my attention between two children. Me being wedged between Mila to the right of me, Jordan to the left of me, both wanting cuddles while we watch Paw Patrol. Both kids like to talk to me at the same time to show me something or to tell me a story. Mila likes to draw. Jordan likes to talk. So, between “mommy look here, do you like it?” and “Aunty Chantelle guess what happened at school today?” all happening at the same time, I had to learn very quickly on how to become a mom of two and share attention between two little humans…overnight!

Navigating the kitchen between these two has been the most fun lol… Mila only eats sandwiches without a crust. Jordan won’t eat his sandwiches unless they have a crust. How do I know this? One lunch box came back from school empty and the other completely intact, minus the fruit and biscuits. When I asked, the response was “I don’t eat bread with butter or bread without a crust”. Noted and lesson learnt. Jordan loves mango, Mila loves watermelon. Mila love cheese, Jordan only eats melted cheese on a pizza. The list goes on. So now, a year later, the weekly grocery shopping is done with more confidence than before. In the past Tristan was either right next to me as we did grocery shopping, on speed dial or a list was made before shopping took place. A list for each child and for our home.

Tristan still has his routine with Jordan for bath time. I still have my routine with Mila for bath time, but now…instead of reading a story to one child, we are reading bedtime stories to two giggle bugs who still don’t sit still (this part hasn’t changed…😊)

It has taken us time to get to know our blended family and to find our own blended family rhythm.

Have we had to deal with jealously between these two… Absolutely? Are we reminded that “If Mila has four strawberries on her plate, I need to have four strawberries on my plate because that’s FAIR” … Yes again!

We by no means have it all figured out. These kids still surprise us every day. My new favorite line at the moment is…” but mommy, I don’t eat that anymore” or “but mommy, I changed my mind”. That being said, our biggest strength as a home is that we TALK. We all ask QUESTIONS. We all LISTEN to every single story told. We pay ATTENTION. We say SORRY if we get it wrong and we TRY AGAIN. But, in our home, importantly we LOVE HARD! WE have embraced our titles of stepbrother, step-sister and step-parents. I’m a mommy and a stepmom and I couldn’t imagine a world where I don’t have this little boy…now almost 8 years old… running to me with open arms screaming “Aunty Chantelle…I’ve missed you!”

I’m getting to know him, just like he is getting to know me. I’m a bonus mom and I love it! Even if it means I’m making a sandwich with crusts and one without crusts for school…

Chantelle