What to do when your step child wants to call you ‘mom’?

I have a straight forward answer to this & a not so straight forward answer to this.

Jordan was about 7 years old and asked me if he could call me “mom”. I looked at him with the biggest smile, gave him the biggest hug, went down on my knees and said “no my boy, you can’t”. 

Not “no” because I didn’t want to be called his mom or a blatant disregard for his feelings.

I said “no” because he has a mom. He has a mom who birthed him and a mom that he loves very much. 

The word and meaning behind being called “mom / dad” or title of “mom / dad” is sacred. I would never want Mila to call anyone else “mommy” or “daddy” for that matter. She has two parents who love her very much and who actively love and parent her across two homes, just like a Jordan has his two parents.

What I did say to Jordan that day (after explaining how special the word “mom” is and that he has a mommy), is that we could figure out a special name that he could call me and that would be OURS. Something for the two of us and something that would be sacred and meaningful for our step mother and bonus son dynamic. He smiled. Came up with a billions names that lasted for about a week and 3 years down the line still calls me “Aunty Chantelle”, or refers to me as his stepmom when talking to his friends about me or our family unit. This works for us in our blended family home.

But, this is not clear cut for all families and I fully appreciate this.

I know there are family dynamics where step parents have raised children from their widowed partners from birth. Where there are situations where parents are absent or have walked away from their children, and the opportunity to call someone “mom” or “dad” is the connection and symbolism of safety and love they feel from their step parent. I understand and appreciate all of these dynamics very much. There is a place for them all.

If I reflect on my own step family life as an adult today, my sister calls our step father “pa”, which means “dad” in English. This is something my sister decided on in her adulthood, and it comes so naturally and effortlessly to her. She is so proud to use that name and adores our step father as if he were our biological father.

For me it feels different. I don’t know how to describe it. I was older than my sister when my dad passed away and I have memories of him. My frame of reference is that I had my dad, even though he looks down from Heaven today. I decided not to call my step father “pa”. Not because of any other reason, or a reflection on the relationship other than, THAT title, THAT name, THAT word, is so so sacred to me, and my dad Paul, is still very much apart of our lives and is spoken about in our home to Mila all the time. She knows she had a kick ass “Grandpa P”, but she also today has her “Oupa”, which means Grandfather in my step father.

There is no clear cut here. It’s about what works for YOUR family, YOUR blend. YOUR step family dynamic.

My take on the traditional step family dynamic, where biological parents are equally involved and as a step parent you feed into the support and family structure for your step child, is to honour the role of “mom” / “dad” and find something unique and special that symbolises your role, love and parental support in your step child’s life.  

What are your thoughts on this?

Pop through an e-mail or send through an DM and let’s explore this together…