How to navigate feelings of divorce guilt
Going through a divorce is one of life’s hardest hards.
It’s a loss and process that leaves you overwhelmed in a world of future “what if” worries.
Not only are you tapping into the emotional rollercoaster of marriage that is over, a life that you were building that has come to an end, it forces you to tap into survival a mode of transactional decision making to “move on and settle” as quickly as possible, for yourself, and for the sake of the kids.
It’s a decision that overwhelms your thoughts with future questions like;
WHAT IF the children don’t cope, how will I even begin to support them?
WHAT IF I can’t make my finances work?
WHAT IF I can’t find a decent place to live on one income?
WHAT IF my kids don’t forgive me for leaving?
WHAT WILL life as a single parent look like? I haven’t been on my own since my early 20’s?
… the list goes on.
So much is wrapped into the FEAR of the unknown, pinned into a space of overwhelming guilt. Something I call “Divorce Guilt”…
A guilt that we have let our ex-partners and children down…
A guilt that we are choosing ourselves, because life has always taught us to live for our family and children…
A guilt that we have let our family down, our support system and religious beliefs that “giving up and leaving is wrong”.
A guilt that we have let ourselves down…That we have FAILED ourselves and our CHILDREN.
Divorce is the hardest hard, and carries so many unexpected moments of emotions.
I will never forget when my daughter asked me why her father and I separated, she was 6 at the time.
I shared with her that as much as her father and I loved each other, there came a time where we felt sad and unhappy together, and chose to rather part ways and build lives where we could be happy, and where she could be happy with both of us.
She looked at me and said…“But mommy, now I’m unhappy…”
I didn’t’ know how to respond. This broke me.
I wrapped her up in my arms and hugged her, both of us crying, and me apologizing for what this must all feel like for her, and reminding her that her father and I will always be there for her, love her and walk this divorce journey with her.
This was a moment in time that reminded me that her father and I chose to get divorced, but that divorce for my daughter is now her lived life experience, and all we can do is support her through this, and her feelings associated to it.
GUILT, SADDNESS and even REGRET fills you in these moments.
As good mothers and good parents, we always want what is good and right for our children. We will do anything and everything to remove any pain or heartbreak from their lives.
BUT… and I need you to read this sentence twice…
Being a happy parent, a fulfilled parent, a parent who knows their worth and what they want from life is also so, so important.
I want my daughter to know that I never chose myself over her. That was NEVER the case.
I chose to give her a life where she would have two parents, fulfilled and self-aware enough to know where one chapter ends and another begins.
A chose to show her bravery and self-love.
I chose to teach her the important lesson of letting go of “self-sacrifice”, that doesn’t serve the individual or the family unit.
My friends, the GUILT and WORRY will always show up in the most unexpected ways, but there are ways to manage it.
Take a screen shot of the below points or write them down and use them as your daily anchors…
Your work is to stay grounded in your truth. Identify the guilt and talk about it.
Finding a support system during this time is crucial for you to navigate the ebbs and flows of this life chapter. Talk to someone you can trust, who can call you out on your BS, and help you centre yourself when you feel you are spiralling. When it all just feels too much.
To stay grounded in the next chapter of the life you are building. We often reminisce and remember only the “good times”, but there is also a need to ground yourself in WHY you left. WHY things didn’t work out and the importance of the new beginning you are creating for yourself, and WHY you are worthy of your next chapter…because you are!
Write it all down. Read your life goals to yourself everyday and remind yourself of your truth and your happiness that you are creating for yourself and for your family. Journaling is such a fantastic technique to let your thoughts flow.
Feel what you need to feel in all the moments of worry and deep sadness, this is grief. Feel it and move through it for yourself and for the life you are building for you and your children.
And the most important, give yourself grace along the way to lean into a life of beauty, happiness and peace for all of you!
Because you deserve to be happy too!