It is normal to feel ‘triggered’
Triggers! It’s normal to experience triggers. We all do.
Triggers are when we feel ourselves bumping up against something that just doesn’t “sit right” in a situation. When there is an emotional reaction to something that is happening around us that might not match the situation. Through a psychological lens, triggers are a reaction to a deeper seeded moment in time where we felt unsafe and alone. The result, we react. We fight or withdraw and freeze. When we are triggered, we go into survival mode and it’s ‘us against the world’.
I’ve also realized that ‘triggers’ in our blended family dynamics are sometimes also a result of a clash of value systems. The thinking of, “I wouldn’t treat you this way, so why are you treating me this way?”, is often a challenge we experience when bringing two homes together as one. Understanding these rooted behaviors in WHY or HOW we react can be a game changer.
Let me explain…
I spiraled earlier this year when a bag of dirty school clothes was sent back to my home from my step moms bio mom. I had a go at my partner, Tristan, and I made it VERY CLEAR what my boundaries looked like around this disrespect and entitlement. Yes those where the words I used, because, in my mind it was absolutely disrespectful and an action of entitlement. It took me days to figure out why I was triggered, why I felt so hard done by and why I felt so strongly about the “disrespectful” action of sending dirty clothes to my home to be cleaned without a note, a heads up or an apology, but what felt like an expectation. “I am not a laundry service”, were my words if I remember correctly.
This reflection started with me. It took me days. I had to put pen to paper to understand my feelings and importantly WHY I would allow these actions from someone who does not form part of my unit to rattle me or cause conflict in my home between my partner and I, and HOW I, importantly would safeguard myself from these reactions going forward.
Tristan and I spoke about this and approached it from so many different angels. I had a rant with my bestie (who absolutely validated my feelings as she does :)…) and then I held up the metaphorical mirror. I had THE moment of realising this was a clash of value systems and it all just made sense to me. l would NEVER send a bag of dirty clothes to my daughters father, or anyone for that matter. My values of how I was raised to show up as a person, the respect I show to people around me in how I treat them and the values I value as a mother are different. Maybe there isn’t a right or wrong here, maybe ‘ways’ are just different? This was a freeing moment for me. A moment where any expectations I have had of our step family dynamic were removed from the table completely. My ask to Tristan, was for him to raise the issue (because this is behaviour we don’t want in our home), but also realized yet again that I cannot control how other people show up or how they parent their children.
Have we received another bag of dirty clothes…yes, yes we have. Yes, I rolled my eyes at the bag and decided to leave this in Tristan’s hands. I walked away and carried on with my day because in hindsight, the bag of dirty clothes is just not worth the fight, the emotions and the energy it drains from my relationship with Tristan or the animosity it causes or caused in our home. More importantly, as a stepmom, in this dynamic, this was just not my '“fight to fight”.
Friends, the important thing about triggers are that they are little moments of truth that show us where we need to focus on ourselves to heal or how we can choose to react differently to difficult situations. I often refer to these moments as the mirror moments. We literally have to stop and hold up the mirror up to figure out what our hearts and minds are saying to us and ask ourselves the difficult questions. “Why am I feeling this way?” or “Why did I react this way?”
If we can identify it for what it is, healing happens.
What can you do to manage your triggers?
When you are feeling triggered…
Pause and try to walk away from the situation. Take the time to think about HOW you want to respond to what is happening around you before your react or address the matter further.
Don’t shut down your feelings, rather lean into what you are feeling and try identify what your body is trying to tell you. When we are triggered our nervous system moves into a space of fight or flight. We feel dysregulated and our emotions can feel heightened in these moments.
Breathe. Breathing is a great mindfulness technique to help regulate your nervous system and move your body from a space of wanting to “fight” back or withdraw, to a space of feeling calm and in control.
Journal. Put your feelings on a piece of paper. I’m a lover and a believer of the power or reflection to support in clearing our minds and unpacking our feelings and thoughts. It’s a therapeutic technique I build into my sessions with my clients and find such great value in this reflective exercise.
Lean into your support system and allow the vulnerability of what is happening to show you what YOU NEED to manage future triggers.
Focus on what you need and allow yourself the space to heal. I always say show YOURSELF GRACE AND KINDNESS. You deserve these gifts too!
And as always, ask for help or reach out to a therapist for support if you find your triggers are becoming difficult to manage
Just remember, we all have moments of feeling triggered, it’s how we handle them that matters.