On Mom guilt & divorce guilt: Does it ever go away?
My daughter Mila, was two and a half when I got divorced, and it was the hardest time of my life.
It was a time of life where I felt confused and alone. A time where I knew I had to make tough decisions for my own happiness but also the happiness of my daughter and my now ex-husband Tyler. Tyler and Mila’s happiness was and is a very conscious thought for me. I needed to be brave, I needed to be happy but, so did they.
People were shocked when Tyler and I separated. We were great friends and ‘youngins’ when we met. A couple who loved singing along to Counting Crows and rocked the dance floor at every wedding. We were two people who loved each other very much but, somehow, we just couldn’t get the married part of life right... we struggled.
We spoke, and then didn’t speak…we cried, we went for therapy, we worked through our demons and our mistakes made, but we couldn’t get to a point where things felt right or where life felt the way we thought it should. Our happiness was up and down, and life stressors unfortunately got the best of us. Mila was our happiness for a long time. She was our fulfillment. She was our centre. I remember our psychologist at the time looking at the two of us in marriage counselling and said, “there is a deep love between the two of you but also a deep sadness”. (I’ll never forget those words). We just couldn’t navigate past that sadness, and boy we tried!!
Making the decision to leave was hard…. Tyler was in my life from the age of 24, he was 21. We grew up together, we studied together, we did life together. I navigated my Psychology studies with him looking after Mila at night so I could finish my master’s dissertation. He was part of my journey of growing my career and becoming a psychologist. I supported him as he found himself in his career. We did all the hard stuff that you need to get through together. We made sacrifices for each other. I felt selfish for even thinking about leaving, and I was so scared that I wasn’t making the right decision for myself or my daughter? I mean how do you know??
In 2019, I walked away from my husband, our family unit that we were building for our daughter and years of growing up together. There is a part of my identity I left behind too. I was Chantelle Rose (my maiden name). I became Chantelle Blandin de Chalain. My identify was wrapped up in being a wife and mom with this beautiful French surname for the longest time. If I leave… Who am I??
Part of a divorce people don’t tell you about is the journey of finding yourself all over again. Authentically looking in the mirror and owing up to the stuff that broke you and your marriage, but somehow molds you too. The mistakes, the guilt, the hard stuff, the good stuff…EVERYTHING. I needed to figure out who Chantelle is all over again, now taking on the label of ex-wife and single mommy. I struggled with religious guilt. I struggled with family guilt. I just struggled.
To be honest it’s not a decision that anyone can fully prepare you for and then you go through the spiral of guilt asking questions like, “Am I being selfish”, “What do I tell my daughter one day”, “Am I making the right decision?”, ”How do I live a life where I won’t see my daughter every single day”…the list goes on …the guilt was and still is something I struggle with. Divorce and trying to heal from a divorce IS HARD!!
Today, almost 4 and half year later Tyler and I are friends, and we really are THAT co-parenting couple that make other people sick. I’m not going to lie to you …we rock it!!! We are often told that the relationship we have and the support we offer Mila together as ex-partners is not always “normal” (I want to break this stigma)
I do need to highlight that Tristan (my partner), also supports the relationship I have with Tyler. Ty and Tris stand next to each other on sports days, cheering for Mila, and have the occasional beer together at birthday parties. This has also helped our co-parenting and blended family life tremendously. Again, this is MY normal and I know and appreciate that it cannot be, and is not always like this, for other divorced couples.
Tyler and I talk and pick up the phone to have ‘easy’ and ‘not so easy’ conversations. We still consider each other and our value systems and uphold that across our own homes. It’s not always easy. Sometimes he still gives her ice cream for breakfast or lets her wear pajamas out to the shops. I’m the resounding mom on the video call “Tyler, you can’t take her to the shops dressed in her pj’s” … but, I have also learnt I need to trust when Mila is with him and that as her dad, he is making the best decisions for her. I mean he makes a better hair pony for school than I do!
A massive saving-grace for me when Mila and I started living on our own, was the fact that, with Mila being so small when Tyler and I separated, that she settled into a routine between our two homes so quickly. She transitioned well with the shift of two homes and the visitation schedule. BUT…(capital letters and absolutely emphasizing this BUT), the older Mila gets the harder the questions are that she asks. She understands more. Society still paints the family unit picture as a mommy, daddy, and children who all live together, and this unfortunately is not always the case for all children or families.
At school, this year we needed to send a photo of her family for show and tell. I sent a picture from her birthday last year which is a photo of myself and Tyler with Tyler’s partner and her son, Tristan, and his son and little Mila in the middle. She has two families. She has a mommy, daddy, Brit and Uncle Tristan along with two little step- brothers. Her family looks a little different. Not all the other family pictures in the class look like this. This is where I tell myself ' “Chantelle, It’s ok”, because my guilt kicks in hard!! Mila asked me last week why “daddy is not my husband” and has asked me more than once why we don’t all live together. I mean where do you even start to explain this to a 6 year old?
Tyler and I have always said we will be honest with her so we say…”Daddy and mommy weren’t happy living together anymore so decided to move into two homes so that we could be happy and give you two happy homes. One at mommy’s house and one at daddy’s house”… Mila accepts this but also challenges this narrative. I wallow in the impact this has had and will continue to have on her – I don’t think as a mom this ever goes away. I worry about everything (if you haven’t noticed yet I’m a full-blown A-type worrier), and I over analyse every outburst she might have and every conversation we have about blended family life.
A proper ah-ha and vulnerable moment for me was when Tyler and I had Mila’s’ parent connect at her new school. We got incredible feedback about how she is doing and the parts of her development we need to support her with. I casually asked the teacher if there were other divorced families in the class and the teacher said, no. I sat there with a lump in my throat. How is that even possible Immediately, I go back to that place of “Sh%#t… is she going to be ok?”,” …” How do I support my daughter with decisions I made 4 ago”, “Is she being singled out at school because her family unit looks different”… I spiraled (which is not abnormal for me)! I got back home from school that day and just balled my eyes out!
So, friends the moral of my story is that I have been on cloud 9 recently about blended life and how both Mila and my stepson have adjusted to school and home life. And then my bubble was burst with the hard realisations that come with being a blended family and living a divorced life. I honestly don’t know if the mom’s guilt or divorce guilt every fully goes away and I think this has a lot to do with the circumstances of the divorce. I also understand that this is different for different people. For me, the guilt is still there some days. I am in counselling, I have a support system and can pick up the phone and have a moment with the people closest to me about the different things that trigger these feelings for me.
It does get easier, but if it doesn’t go away, I’m starting to realise that that’s ok too. It is part of my journey. My ebbs and my flows. I need to be kind to myself. Let it be…breathe…have the cup of chamomile tea or glass of wine and know that I have a tribe who love me and who I love right back. This is also where I tell myself “Chantelle, pull yourself towards yourself” some tough love vibes… and remind myself that Mila is happy. She loves her father and his family unit. She loves me and my family unit and she has two homes with bonus parents and bonus brothers who adore her. She has a mom and dad who is still her family even though that family unit looks a little different, but WE keep showing up for her and will continue to do so together.
In a nutshell, some coping strategies that have really helped me is a mind-shift of guilt is:
· Be kind to yourself and sip that cup of tea or glass of wine.
· Give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel but try not to get lost in the negative emotions and guilt.
· Stop and pause…look at your life through 3 different lenses - past, present & future.
The past – You made your decisions, and they were the right decision for what YOU needed in your life at that point in time. Embrace that bravery!
The present - Stop and reflect on your life. Are your children, ok? Are you ok? Reflect on how much you have grown over this season of change. Acknowledge that there will be ‘pull yourself towards yourself moments"‘. I have many of those. Tap into your support system.
The last lens…the Future - Don’t lose sight of what you are building for yourself and your family. It’s not selfish. It’s strength. It’s courage. I’m teaching my daughter that its ok to be brave…to make the hard decisions and to struggle through them to find your happiness.
I give myself permission to be happy!
Friends, be kind to yourself and give yourself that same grace!