On parenting my daughter across two homes
I arrived at school pick up today with Tristan so that we could fetch his son. Realizing we would be early; I quickly phoned my ex-spouse to ask if him and Mila (my daughter) could wait five minutes so that I could give her a quick hug after school. This is Mila’s week on with her daddy.
Arriving at school, I got my Mila cuddles, swaying back and forth with her on my hip, while the 'guys' (Mila’s dad and Tristan) shook hands & caught up. I stood there realizing again how lucky I am to have the co-parenting relationship I have with my daughters' father. How lucky I am to have Tristan, a partner, who is so open to have a kind and civil relationship with my ex-spouse. On days like this it just feels easy all around.
How did my ex-spouse and I craft a co-parenting relationship?
Mutual respect for the role we play in Mila’s life. He is her DAD and I am her MOM. Irrespective of the divorce and how things turned out between us, WE are her parents and always will be.
A common understanding that Mila is in the centre always. From early on we would ask ourselves, what does SHE NEED FROM US? How do we show up as her parents to give her what SHE needs?
We take the time to have the big conversations to set boundaries & expectations regarding what we think Mila needs across two homes. We talk. We send the voice notes and text messages. We send the calendar blockers via outlook (this is my way of reminding us both when she has ballet, swimming & Tin Tuesdays at school, lol). I’m sure this drives him insane, but we BOTH agreed this works best for us and our schedules, so its how we plan. We have open communication around how we parent and co-parent Mila.
Having a similar routine with Mila when it's our week on... especially during a school week. Something silly like … “What time is Mila allowed to have her last cup of juice or water at your house at night so I can do the same here?”. This helps us to keep track of routine for her but also remove those obstacles of …“but I’m allowed to do this at mommy’s house…” (yes we have this TOO!)
IF we need support, we know we can jump on the phone, have a quick call and chat about what Mila needs WITHOUT arguments or a need for justification... I need to stress that. We TRUST that when the one parent has made a decision, it’s the right one for our daughter at that time. If we fundamentally disgaree, we talk about it with the common question of “what does Mila need”. This thinking and mindset is and has been grounding for both of us … (Back to point 2 - Mila in the centre always!)
WE make decisions for her and what is good for her, irrespective of what WE might be going through or FEEL at the time... OUR STUFF IS NOT HER STUFF!
On reflection - we have climbed mountains and worked so hard to be the best version of ourselves for OURSELVES and for our DAUGHTER. Four (4) years later, we can have these moments at a school pick up, chat, laugh, make quick arrangements for the week to come (side note Mila needs new school shoes) and wave goodbye as Mila spends the rest of the week with her daddy.
I know that for some ex-couples this type of co-parenting relationship is not always possible BUT, what is in your control IS…
YOU being the best version of YOURSELF that you can be for your child.
YOU asking that grounding questions … “What does my child need from me?”.
Reminding yourself that your child(ren) are not part of YOUR divorce stuff - YOUR STUFF IS NOT THIER STUFF.
It's about how we show up for THEM as parents EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!
Even if this is across two homes!