On letting him handle his co-pareting relationship with his ex
Friends, getting to this point of realization has been one of the hardest journeys I’ve had to go through in a blended family dynamic. A fundamental learning was to let go of what I cannot control & trust my partner to handle his co-parenting relationship with his ex.
Yes, we all have a story to tell.
Yes, we all have a past.
Yes, he was handling the dynamic of his ex-wife and how they communicate and make decisions before I came along.
But, this does not take away from the fact that it can be and is a very stressful situation for so many woman in a relationship with a man from divorce. You are the ‘new’ partner and want to navigate your home, your routine and your life with your partner and the kids in a certain way. Hell, it’s YOUR life. It’s YOUR home. However, it is not always this clear cut when there are children involved and if the ex-spouse feels that he/she has a say in how YOU manage the home life you are trying to build.
In the beginning it was so stressful for me. I was overwhelmed with anxiety. Every time the phone rang, or a message came through I would think, ”What now?”…”What’s next?”…”How is this even an issue”? ...this became all consuming for me.
I felt completely and utterly out of control.
I felt like decisions were being made that I just had to accept without having a say of how it would impact me. The thoughts of “I didn’t sign up for this”, became my mantra. When the phone calls started I often felt like I wanted to step in, grab the phone and just set the boundaries for US…for OUR HOME and for MY OWN SANITY.
I wanted to TAKE CONTROL of my own life. The realisation however, is that when you are in a blended family, there are parts of life that are not in your control anymore, even if it impacts your life directly. Small or big things like, how holiday routines work and how you plan your holidays, who the kids are with and when and how this would effect date night planning, life being scheduled around visitation schedules, big decisions being made regarding education, what medication you can and cannot give your stepchildren or whether you buy a plastic or a stainless steel water bottle whilst shopping because of BPA concerns, the list goes on…
Part of my learning IS to trust Tristan and how he decides to manage the co-parenting relationship with his ex-spouse.
I’ve had to work so hard to hand over this part of blended life over to him. This was incredibly difficult for me because I’ve always been in control of my life. I am the planner. I am the thinker, I am the decision maker and have had to embrace those titles even more so after my divorce.
I've had to work to get to a point where I trust him to make the right decisions for his son, OUR family and for OUR home and that he is not just making decisions to avoid an argument & 'keep the peace'.
Did I always agree… No
Do I always agree now… No
BUT, we talk about it and then talk about it some more. I think in the beginning Tristan, made decisions that I just needed to accept. It felt like I was forced to take a back seat to my own life. Two years later, conversations are different in our home today… with us living together we both acknowledge that decisions affects us both and we navigate those conversations together.
I’ve needed to reflect that him making a decision didn’t mean he was choosing her or choosing me. He was choosing what was best for THEIR son at that moment in time.
How did I get to this point of blended life?
A lot of time, self-reflection, tears, hard conversations and more TIME! There are days that I still struggle, but I feel like I can breathe and that my home is my home again.
Tristan, shows up for us as a family. There is trust in how he handles decisions with his ex spouse. I feel that OUR FAMILY unit is his priority and how we show up and parent the children together is top of mind always.
A new mantra I now have in the house is… ‘baby steps’!
SUPPORT & UNDERSTANDING comes in time and with a lot of honest conversation later.