it feels hard because it is hard
Blended family dynamics are a lot tougher than I ever thought they would be. I was saying to someone the other day “It feels hard because it is hard!”
The reality is, in a blended family dynamic you are not just focusing on your own family unit.
You have to manage external factors of things that are happening in the home of your children’s ‘other parents’. These factors at times, do have a DIRECT IMPACT on you and your family unit. The golden rule is to walk away from circumstances that are not in your control, but when your children are involved in parental decisions that effect them, there is often a ripple effect of these decisions on you and your household too. In times like this it is very difficult to draw the line in the sand of “mine and yours” or choosing not to get involved.
As a step parent, in a blended family, you are not just focusing on your partner and the decisions you are making for your family unit, especially when it comes to the kids, but instead often need to take a back seat to conversations taking place between your partner and their ex. You have a sideline view of how things play out regarding decisions they have made regarding THEIR child and then you need to manage the impact of those decisions in your own blended family space.
The honest truth is that you will go through a process of feeling “this is so damn hard!” more than you would like…
You will go through a process of feeling, “I don’t have control over my OWN HOME!”…
You will often feel like there is a complete LACK OF BOUNDARIES when it comes to how your partner manages his EX or children.
You will go through the process of being reminded that your step child is not your child, or decisions will be made that you don’t agree with or would have handled differently leaving your partner to say… “what do you want me to do, this is my child?!”
There are so many cycles of feeling like you a stranger in your own home, and as hard as you try to focus on the life you are trying to build for YOUR FAMILY UNIT, you are wacked with a reality stick of “their stuff” has become “my stuff”, whether I signed up for it or not. Is this part and parcel of loving someone with kids?
I’m here today to tell you that this is NORMAL!
I have spoken to many families in divorced / separated family dynamics and I am yet still to find a family who have not navigated these ebbs and flows. These ups and downs form part of the journey.
Honestly and personally speaking, blended family life is one of the hardest things I have ever had to navigate (it still is…)
The silver lining is that as you navigate this chapter of life (that feels never ending and all consuming at times) you will find your groove, you will find your voice and you will better understand the role you play as a step parent in YOUR family unit and the role you and your partner play for each other in creating a safe space for your family dynamic to thrive. It is possible, I promise…
I want to encourage you to…
Create a space where you can speak to your partner about your struggles, concerns, fears and emotions. They are your person. Bring them into your world of what things look like from your side of the lens as the step parent or new partner.
Allow each other a space to feel what you need to feel. This goes both ways. You are BOTH feeling what you need to feel during times of hardship in your family dynamic, show up for yourselves and for each other.
Define WITH YOUR partner what expectations and boundaries look like in YOUR HOME and WHY these are important to safe guard the family life you are trying to build. It is only once these boundaries and expectations are articulated and agreed on that everyone is on the same page.
Check in regularly with each other as a couple and as a family to understand where everyone is at. How they feel and what dials need to shift to create a safe, content and happy space for you all.
It’s a journey. One step at a time. Remember it’s the ‘long game’ (as Tristan always says) that you are fighting for.
When life feels tough. Read this and then read it again.