My Self-care Audit & What i’m Going to do differently in my blended family life
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I am in my third year of blended family life and there are certain things I just DO NOT want to take into my future chapters. So…. I’ve latched onto the idea of creating my own SELF-CARE AUDIT. This is my very fancy term for giving myself a reflective space, where I have intentionally focused on the good, the bad and all the “what if’s”, I want to fill my head space with in the next year of life.
I’ve been reflecting on my blended family life triggers, the moments of hurt, the opportunities of growth and importantly the lessons learnt, that have taught how to show up differently for certain things going forward.
I want to move past the things that REALLLY get to me and weigh me down as a woman, partner & mother, and embrace the things that I absolutely LOVE and WANT MORE of in my blended family.
This is a work in progress but here it is…
I don’t want to overcompensate anymore….I put so much pressure on myself to make sure that everyone is OK, HAPPY, COPING & THRIVING (especially the kids) and that the sweetie draw is always stocked for all the bits the kids need. But, I was reminded again recently that what we deal with in our blended home is very similar to what non divorced families deal with all the time. Siblings argue. Parents don’t always see eye to eye when it comes to parenting. Kids gravitate to one parent in the household at some point in their life, and in most homes little girls see their daddy’s as their hero’s (my father was my hero too!). SO WHY DO I break down when these things happen in our blended home?
I’m overcompensating for all sorts of divorce guilt and some and I know this. My self-care audit could not have been any clearer on this one. Typing that out in black and white still hits hard. What I have decided recently is that I don’t want to overcompensate anymore. This level of engagement is not healthy and it’s not serving me or my family. Yes, there is instant gratification for certain things my family need, but what is the long term goal I’m actually trying to solve here?
Yes, we have our ups and downs in our blended family home and I need to constantly remind myself that that’s ok, because it is. There are days where we feel that we have blended family life ‘waxed’, and then there are days where I feel we have taken a 1000 steps back. There will still be a million more of these days going forward. What I need to do, and what I’m currently trying to do, is remove the pressure and guilt that I put on myself that I need to do more and be better to make sure everyone is happy and content. It’s a process. It’s OUR process and that is ok.
I don’t want to spend more time than needed, talking about his ex. This, at times, has been a continuous discussion in our home for different reasons over the past few years and I honestly don’t have the emotional band width to do this anymore. Don’t get me wrong, as a couple you have to talk about challenges and the impacts of those challenges in your home, but I CANNOT spiral about his ex anymore and importantly I don’t want to. I have had to lean into Tristan as my partner, and trust him to handle things. When I don’t agree on what’s happening, I absolutely speak my truth, at the end of the day it is my home too. But, after having the hard conversation, I then need to step away and TRUST Tristan to make fair decisions for our family. It’s not in my control and it doesn’t need to be.
Being intentional about creating a home for our blended family. I love this! I’ve always seen my home as my sanctuary and this is where I want to focus my efforts. Right here. In OUR SPACE. TOGETHER.
I want the kids to get home and flop onto their beds in a room that represents who they are as little humans. A space and home where they feel safe and cared for. I want them to dive into that sweetie draw when they get home and get excited about the extra treat surprises I’ve put in there for them because “mommy knows best!”. I want us to play our board games and watch our favorite movies and just gel and vibe as a family.
Is this me putting my head in the sand for the harder parts of life and dynamics that do exist in a post divorced home. Not at all. There is a space to deal with those and we do. Whether it’s Tristan and I stepping in as step parents or each of us tending to what our bio children need from us. We absolutely tune in. But, and this is the big BUT, I don’t want to become consumed by the label of a DIVORCED HOME. We are so much more than that, and I want the children to feel that too.
Carving out alone time to spend time with my daughter. I want to carve out more alone time for my daughter and I. Even if it’s an afternoon walk or a girly milkshake after school. She has verbalized that she needs this from me, (“like we used to mommy”), and I need to lean into her process of grief, loss and normalization as best I can as her mom. I’ve been so focused on everyone in the house and I need to tune into the different things our children need from us as individuals too, just like you would as parents in any other non divorced home. Our children need different things from us as parents, and that ‘s ok. This is a priority for me this year. Ensuring my daughter and I have OUR quality time too.
I need time for me. I need to focus on what fills my cup too and building that into my routine. I promised myself this year that I need to “cope without medicine”. So…I’m thinking of trying out this thing called exercise (lol), and taking long morning walks on my own, immersed in my own thoughts, focusing on what I need too. I’ve been at it for the last two weeks, so giving this time and taking in the moments that give me joy. Will keep you posted on the progress…
THIS IS my self-care audit.
THESE are things I need for me and for them, my family.
I’m walking this path intentionally and focusing on the things that matter.
When last have you had a hard and honest self care audit with yourself?