I’ve met someone who I love and want my daughter to love him too!
This is probably one of the hardest parts of blended family life to juggle over and above THIS being a HUGE ask to our children. Things take time…
Just like your relationship took time to build with your new partner, so does the relationship your partner needs to build with your child within your unique family dynamic. Give it time…
When Tristan and I started dating, I used to say to him that he is going to have work really hard to build a relationship with my daughter, Mila. She was 4 and half at the time but boy did she make him work for it. If you ask Tristan, she still does…
My words to him then was…
“If you want a relationship with Mila, you need to come down to her level…
Sit with her.
Play with her.
Draw with her.
Spend time with her.
Read to her.
Just like you have taken the time to get to know ME, I need you to take the same time to get to know HER.
Build your own relationship with her and let her know that you love her too.”
Watching these two grow into their relationship has had many joyful and teary moments over the years…
Do they always “get” each other?
No. Tristan’s parenting style is very different to mine, and we have had long and hard conversations about how we show up for both our kids in different situations. This is still a work in progress. There is no magic wand here, but we are BOTH mindful of what Mila needs to help build her relationship with Tristan and sometimes it’s feedback Tristan or I don’t always want to hear. The important part here is that we are conscious about her needs to help build and foster a relationship with him. We dont push them away or ignore them. We take the feedback and do what we can to nurture our family dynamic.
Do they laugh & play?
Absolutely! Mila has a contagious giggle and is the reigning UNO champion in the house. Tristan has taught her magic tricks and she loves when he tells her stories about the Kruger Park, animals and fun facts. How she remembers it all I don’t know.
What has helped build their relationship over time?
Quality time for sure. Art, swimming, animations and books. I have photos of Tristan, sitting on the carpet and drawing with her. I have photos, like the one I’ve shared where Tristan used to read to the kids in the evening. Mila loves things like that.
It’s these small moments that foster the connection and meaning the kids are looking for. Moments where adults become kids themselves and where they build a connection on their interests together.
What do they call each other?
Tristan refers to Mila as “our daughter” when we introduce the kids to new people. In the beginning it was such a tongue tie explanation of Mila being my daughter, but his step daughter and and and…. Now we refer to ourselves as a family. The kids do too. Mila calls Tristan “uncle Tristan” or “my stepdad” when she talks about him to other people.
Is it always easy?
Nope…All these parts of life have it’s own ebbs and flows. It’s a journey. Just like any other relationship this one also comes with a process of building trust, meaning and connection. Why would we expect it to be any different for our children?
My words of shared experience with you…
My take on this part of life is to always remain CONSIOUS and MINDFUL of what your children need too. It’s not just about you. If they are struggling with the transition, take the time to understand their challenges, create a safe space for them to talk to you and work through it together …as a family. It’s a new way of life they didn’t ask for.
Be kind to yourself, your children and the situation.
Give it time. Really take the moments to get to know each other.
Things will flow.
I promise xx